Always Willing to Clean Your Mess, My Baobei

I let Jiale self-feed for almost every meal since he was about 7-8 months old. Yes, it was a mess. But I was very ok with mess and didn't mind cleaning it up at all. After all, I had time while he was napping. But I had not let Didi self-feed at all, except for finger foods like bread or cheese. And I was meticulous about any sort of mess.. wiping off any spilled food as soon as it landed on the high chair tray.

However, recently he started to grab the spoon when I was feeding him. Soon, he was not satisfied with just the spoon anymore, and I gave him an empty bowl as well. That kept him happy for a few days before he was back to grabbing the spoon filled with food. Yesterday, I told him impatiently, "You think you are only child izzit."

Though I wasn't really scolding him and wasn't fierce, just impatient, I felt so bad the moment the words left my mouth : ( Yes, he is not an only child, but does that mean he should receive any less from mummy?

Immediately I surrendered the remainder of his cereal to him, and indulgently looked on while he did whatever he wanted with it. It ended with a finale of him dropping (throwing?) the bowl onto the floor where it 'bounced' a few times before landing a few metres away, leaving a trail of cereal. 

Did mummy even think of complaining this time? Definitely not. Happy to serve you, my dear.

The New Yes-Boy

Warning: This is a very strange post. I myself find what has happened quite strange! (think alien)

Not too long ago, my firstborn's most common response to everything was 'no no no no no!' The alternative was 'noooooooooooo noooooooooooo' in a super irritating whining tone. This manifested itself at least twice a day everyday, before the morning and evening baths. No idea why he disliked baths so much. He was usually ok once he was in the bathroom, but he just refused to come by himself till I dragged him in crying & struggling.

Till mummy here got fed up one day. As my friends know, I don't put up with nonsense and I like to solve problems. Well, this whining kid here was basically nonsense AND a problem. Mummy no like.

More than one week ago, I started to get tough on Jiale. Used to act 'normal' once I managed to get him into the bathroom, no matter how much scolding/coaxing it took. But now if he refused to come willingly, I would just carry him into the bathroom and not talk to him throughout the shower and not let him play (no toys, no water, no bubbles, no playing with Didi!), but no scolding or any other punishment and everything back to normal once he took his shower (even if it was by force). Told him that I wanted him to answer 'yes mummy' when I said 'bath time'. For the first few days, he bo chap me and I had to carry him to the bathroom. After 3-4 days, he suddenly answered 'yes' when I called him to come for bath! And then he cheerfully went for his bath!

Since then, it has worked everytime! Seeing how effective this was, I decided to use the same method for his naps, bedtimes, mealtimes.. everything, haha!

Mummy: Jiale, when mummy says it's naptime, you say 'yes mummy', understand?
Jiale: (No response)
Mummy: Jiale, say yes.
Jiale: Yes.

And it has worked beautifully! I don't claim to be an expert, and it has only been a week or so thus far. But here is what I have concluded:

1. Children need to be taught how to respond. He might have been saying 'no' just because he was used to it. It's like we were stuck - he said 'no' and we responded, either by giving in (rarely, unfortunately for the poor boy), or we (urmm, ok, usually I) got fierce. Somehow or another, we carried on with our lives.

2. Saying 'yes is a habit that can be cultivated, replacing the undesirable habit of always saying 'no'. When he gets used to it, it is easier and faster for him to activate the 'yes' response.

3. Once he realises saying 'yes' makes his life more pleasant, he is problaby more motivated to keep saying it. Because happy mummy, happy son.

He is definitely still saying 'no' at times. That is fine. That is very good. Wouldn't want him to be a doormat and let people walk all over him. He is entitled to his opinions and preferences. Mummy is very reasonable one ok. Already very happy to be hearing more 'yes' than 'no' nowadays! 

Disclaimer: The danger of sharing what has worked for me is that some readers might think I am claiming to be an expert. Well, I only have two children and the elder one is only 2.5 years old. So my parenting experience is definitely very limited. I am only saying it works for me and my family. In fact, I realise it might even just be a coincidence. Maybe he would have grown out of it even if I did not do anything. Well, if/when he relapses, I shall blog about it too!

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Have you ever read a book where just after one page, it has already made an impact on your life? That was how what happened to me with this book.

The last sentence on page one says "direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave". I was having a short break while Didi was napping and Jiale was having his lunch (rare occurrence cos they usually have lunch together, but that day, Didi had a very long nap and it was getting too late for Jiale's lunch). Right after I finished this sentence, Jiale declared he was full, which meant it was time for him to go for his nap. I had to stop reading as I had to wash up the lunch dishes. He had not napped in the afternoon for three consecutive days before that, and he was walking in and out of his room.

Earlier that day, I had decided to change my expectation that he would definitely take a nap in the afternoon. Add that to my newfound knowledge (or maybe, more of a reminder, a knock on my head - 'hello, wake up wake up'), and instead of getting irritated and scolding him as I had done for the past three days, I was very patient with him and talked to him gently each time he came out of his room... and VOILA! That day he napped!

I guess one incident does not mean anything - it could be just a coincidence, maybe he just happened to be more tired that day. And I was very lucky that that day, Didi was still napping while I dealt with Jiale's refusal to nap, so I could be extra patient extra nice, allowing me to see the positive outcome. But just one incident, and I could already feel the difference in the 'ambience' - when I didn't get angry at him, he didn't act 'naughty'. (When I shouted at him, he usually became whiny and 'no no no no no no'.) Even though he might still walk in and out of his room for countless times, even though he might still not nap in the end, there is no hostility or unhappiness around us. He's cheerful and cute and smiley when he comes out of his room. He's cheerful and cute and smiley when I tell him to go back to bed... provided I am smiley too! Even when he doesn't nap, he's very ok to remain in his room playing/reading by himself for 1-2 hours, and since I am not angry, I am still able to have my rest-time in a good mood (no escalated blood pressure, no accelerated heart rate, no headache, no bursting blood vessels! But I have to admit, it's very hard to be patient & nice when there is another baby clinging on to me like superglue and whining for dunno what!!)

Direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.. And there is definitely a direct connection between how the mother behaves and how the kid feels. Thus

Mother's behavior --> Kid's feeling --> Kid's behavior

can be summarized as

 Mother's behavior --> Kid's behavior

 Oh, before I end this post, my review of the book - It is definitely worth a read! I borrowed from the library but I have ordered a copy to keep so that I can refer to it anytime. It is also an easy read, written in friendly language with many interesting anecdotes. Strongly recommended! 

He's Dropping His Nap???

Just when I thought everything was going so well... both boys sleeping well.. Jiale getting used to school.. mummy back on track with outdoor time.. lotsa messy/free play everyday.. bonding time.. mummy's self-imposed limitation on online time..

Then the bomb dropped.

Sigh. Life is so unpredictable with two young children. From his 2-3 hours daily nap, he has not been napping at all for the past three days. HOW did he just wake up one day and decide ok, today is the day that I shall not nap anymore?!

Actually, it's not so much about him not sleeping in the afternoon.. He still obediently remains in his room for a good 1-2 hours and so I still have my rest time (albeit not totally relaxed cos I never know when he will walk out for a 'visit'). I am more worried about:

Him not getting enough sleep
I believe sleep is the MOST important thing for a young child and that he needs to have a daily nap as long as he is not 3 years old yet. Better if he can have a nap until he is much older. I do realise there are some children who will drop the nap earlier, as children have different timelines. But I just feel it's so unjustified.. I have been so protective of his naptimes.. scheduling the family's activities around the boys' naptimes and ending up everybody rush here rush there especially during weekends. Sigh.

Routine all messed up
Since he is still in his room for quiet time during the afternoon, and he has to go to bed earlier in the evening, it means I have less time with him! And guess what, just a few days ago, I thought why not do an extra activity with Jiale after Didi goes to bed at 7.45pm? We have 45 minutes before his bedtime anyway! And I decided to use sticker activity books cos he likes stickers and it's quite fun and can learn things and he can't write yet. So I went through the (many) sticker books on his shelves and selected one. It has been untouched since then! Cos the very next day he stopped napping! I didn't even tell him my plan!

Urmm, actually I not only went through his shelves.. I also went through the (many) BPs and ordered (many) more sticker activity books!! FAINTZ! I thought we would finish them quite fast if we were to do this every night..

Playground time and other forms of going out have also been affected. Used to go out after their naps, usually around 4pm. If we were not meeting Daddy for dinner outside (usually one weekday a week), we would reach home around 6.30pm for dinner and baths. Now, Jiale has to be in bed by 7.30pm latest (just now he was rubbing his eyes at 6.50pm).. Means they drink their bedtime milk at 5.30pm, bathe at 6pm, dinner after that, then it's bedtime for Jiale. Where got time to go out???! Didi gets to stay up later till 7.30pm cos he is still napping well (thanks goodness!!). So strange right, the older one has an earlier bedtime : /

Don't know how to read bedtime stories to Jiale anymore. For the first two nights, I refused to read cos I was angry and upset and tired and told him 'kids who don't nap, everything also cannot, everything also don't have. Mummy won't play with you, mummy won't read to you. Nothing.' Today I have turned over a new leaf and tried hard to be a nice mummy. So, after dinner, I told him I would read books before he went to bed.

BUT. Because Didi was still awake, he wanted to join us but he was not interested in books. So he was climbing up and down the sofa... Of course Jiale decided that it was more fun playing with Didi than listening to mummy read! He told me 'no books' : (

After Jiale went to bed, I tried reading to Didi. Put him on my lap.. but he just snatched the book away and tried to escape! Like that how I read..??!!

We might have our plans, but the children have their own plans : /

Update on Disconnected Me

As everybody can see, I am still very active on FB! Haha, but less often la. The initial plan was to only go online while the boys were napping in the afternoon and after they had gone to bed at night. But I found it too difficult to not check FB in the morning, after so many hours away (sleeping mah). So, I have increased a morning check :p

But I have also decided to not use the computer or phone while Didi is awake even if Jiale is napping. So, that cuts my afternoon time aaaaaaa loooooooooooot. Can't really control what time Didi goes for his afternoon nap, cos it depends on how long he naps in the morning. I sent him to nap at 10am, but sometimes he wakes up at 11am... or 11.30am.. or like today, 12.45pm! So when Jiale went for his nap at 2pm, Didi was still wide awake till 3.45pm.

Other than that, I am surviving la. This 'limited connection' in the afternoon means that my blog is the primary victim, cos I definitely must check FB but not write my blog :p At night, usually Hubby uses the laptop and I haven't figured out how to use my iPhone to write blog, so no blog at night either. Only like today when Jiale is taking a long long nap (already 2.5 hours!), then I can come here quickly.

(I know there are apps for writing blogs, but I tried a couple and it was too chim for me. Anyway, since I like to write long long posts, it will be quite difficult to use iPhone. Computer keyboard is still the best.)

For now, I hope I can keep up the daytime disconnection!

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

This post is dedicated to my bro SY : )

I try not to give unsolicited advice about parenting, but this is my blog and anyone can choose to read or not read, right? Anyway I am not saying everybody must do the same thing, just sharing what I read/went through and what has worked for me & my two sons.

What I believe about babies and sleep:

1) Babies need an early bedtime, around 7pm. And this should ideally start from day one. One might think, newborns sleep almost the whole day, how would they know when it is the bedtime? Hmm, I would like to tell you 'trust me, they know' but then, I only have two case studies, lol. So I can only say, I think they know. Jiahe couldn't last beyond 6.50pm until he was at least 6 months old.

 How to set a bedtime? Do a simple bedtime routine. For Jiale, everything was trial and error and I definitely messed up before I did sleep training for him around 7 months old. For Jiahe, I was much more prepared - his routine was very simple - just do a wipedown and change diapers, then feed him (breastfeed in my case), then put him down in the cot. When he was very young, he usually fell asleep while feeding and continued to sleep when I put him down. Now his routine is still very simple - before he goes in for naps/bedtime, I give him a drink of water. So simple, right? Haha. (Yes I do give him water at other times of the day!)

2) Newborns should not be awake for more than two hours each time. Yes they definitely are able to stay up longer than that, especially as they grow bigger.. But they will probably end up overtired and fussy and have more difficulties falling asleep. What I did for Jiahe was, I gave him maximum of two hours between naps. The key word is 'maximum'. Anytime he showed signs of sleepiness, like rubbing his eyes, or being unreasonably cranky (crying even though he had been fed and cleaned and was not too warm/cold etc etc), it was time for a nap. 

3) Ignore the baby when you feed him at night, i.e. just feed, no need to talk to him, no need to look at him. Close your eyes and feed. Just switch on a night light.

4) Babies start to need to have a proper nap routine and to nap in a proper place (e.g. their cot) when they are four months old. The good news is, you can bring your baby around in a sarong carrier or baby sling carrier etc before 4 months old - he will fall asleep anytime anywhere when he is tired. But from 4 months onwards, it's best to let him nap in a stationary place (movement affects the quality of sleep as he is more alert to his surroundings now).

Related to the abovementioned points are:
how to make the baby sleep?
breastfeeding/bottle?
feed on demand/ feed on schedule?

I think these are personal choices and there are pros & cons. So I shall just write about my own experiences.

I breastfed both boys till 10 months old and I fed on demand. I found that even though I fed on demand when they were younger, they naturally fell into a routine when they got older (5-6 months old) and I only had to feed them 2-3 hours apart. But the good thing about breastfeeding is, other than filling the tummy, it is also soothing for the baby. So, whenever I couldn't figure out why they were crying, I just breastfed and they calmed down : ) I always thought that hey, I had a brandnew baby after each breastfeeding! Haha. Some people might worry that the baby might develop bad habit of needing to breastfeed to sleep, etc. But I prefer to solve each problem as it comes. When the baby was still so small, the crying would really drive me nuts.

About sleep training: I used cry-it-out for both boys, Jiale at 7 months old and Jiahe at 5 months old. Basically, it means to put the baby in his cot when he is still awake and leave him to cry till he falls asleep. I shall blog more about this when this particular Koh baby gets older : ) How come I can tahan the crying for so long (Jiale took 50 minutes, Jiahe took 30 minutes) now? Because the baby is older and more hardy! Letting a 7-month-old cry is very different from letting a 2-month-old cry.

For my two boys, they fell asleep while breastfeeding, so it was not a problem getting them to sleep when they were small babies. Thus, it was relatively easy to set an early bedtime and to have frequent naps (less than 2 hours interval). (It was when they got older and became more alert and more aware of their surroundings that they would still be wide awake after I fed them, and I had to make them sleep.) Anyway, early bedtime or not, the baby gotta go down for the night sooner or later, and why not sooner? Sleep begets more sleep - the more babies sleep, the more they will sleep! Means more time for their brains to grow, and more time for the parents to rest!

A Clean House Is A Dirtier House

Very bo liao to be writing this in the middle of the night. But I really wanna grumble about this! The physics that lead to this situation is really mind-boggling!

In the past, I hardly did any vacuuming or mopping and left it to the part-time cleaner instead (she comes once a week). And I felt that, yep the house was a bit dusty lah.

After a certain comment by Hubby a few weeks ago, I started to vacuum every morning and to mop the house every night. Gotta separate the two cos it would be futile to mop the house in the morning when the two boys would just destroy it again the next moment, and it's too loud to vacuum after the boys are in bed.

But but but.. the house seems to be dirtier nowadays! How could that possibly be..?? It should be at least 3x cleaner than before mah! *sulk*

Possible reasons:

The floor detergent attracts dust & dirt. It's a ploy by the manufacturers to make the floor dirty again fast fast so that we have to use more detergent to mop.. then it gets dirty again.. then we mop.. and the vicious cycle continues.

Dust & dirt are more noticeable when it's a thin layer. As it accumulates, the properties change and we can no longer feel it so obviously.

Or maybe, having put in more effort to clean the house, I have become more sensitive to anything that ruins my efforts.

I think the first reason is the most likely. *sulk some more*

Homelearning, Let's Go!

'Mummy, let's go!' is probably one of Jiale's most-often used phrase, haha. OK, not really relevant :p

Not long ago, I was quite lost about how to do learning activities with him. Though I want to prioritize and focus on fun activities, I also hope to do some learning with him if possible. Best is if we have time to do everything! Haha! *dreaming*

Seeing all the interesting stuff other mummies were doing with their kids, I wondered how how how to go about it.. until the answer revealed itself to me recently! As with most good things, it came totally unexpected : )

One morning, I saw Jiale standing at the window pointing to the rising sun and talking to himself.
 -- mummy fasterly gathered the books about sun that we had at home.

Another day while we were browsing at the library, I saw a book on lighthouses and thought it would be a good idea to go through the book with Jiale as we are now learning Letterland phonics and 'L' is represented by Lucy Lamp Light who lives in a lighthouse.
-- again, gathered the other books about lighthouse that we had at home. Surprisingly, Jiale was very willing to sit through the impromptu session : )

Outside one afternoon when Jiale took a sudden interest in the clouds. He kept looking up at the sky and point point point, going 'wow wow wow'.
-- haven't done anything about this yet, but I shall do it soon!

(This is why I think it's good to have a set of encyclopaedia at home! But of course, if you don't mind letting your child use the computer, Youtube and other Internet sources are very good resources too.)

 At the moment, I am inclined toward using such learning opportunities to impart general knowledge and science facts. I feel quite unmotivated to use our favorite books etc to teach numbers/alphabet etc... shall see how lah, maybe one day there will be an eureka moment for that too.

Jiale is also going through a 'learning explosion' recently. He is very keen on all things related to the alphabet and numbers, and for almost everything he comes across, he reads out the letters, e.g. while drinking Milo, he goes 'M.. I.. L.. O', without any prompting. And of course, he reads out the letters of the names of all his precious trains.

When he lines up his trains (very often), he 'counts' them too. Or rather, I think he's imitating us when we count.. he points at each train and goes '1.. 2.. 3.. 5.. 9..' Yes he skips numbers so he doesn't get the correct quantity, but that's ok lah : )

Even when he scribbles or 'draws', he looks at his masterpiece afterwards and points out all the 'letters' or 'numerals' that he finds. Of course he isn't writing lah, just anyhow scribbling and somehow by luck gets something that looks like a letter or numeral. If he's really writing... no such illusion :P

And my favorite:
Got him some Geomag (one-inch magnetic rods) recently, and there happened to be five of the rods lying around on the dining table. Suddenly he showed us a 'L' and told us 'L'! Then Hubby and I helped him to make / made for him the other letters.. so fun!

I have been waiting so long for Jiale to show me he is learning from all the non-learning stuff we do at home.. And yes, he has shown me that Wait long enough, and good things will come : )

Auntie, Be Gone!

I know, I know, I just wrote a post about the same topic not long ago. But another blogger-mummy's post about this 'inspired' me again :P

Why are there so many aunties around us? Perhaps not among our friends yet.. since we are still in our 30s.. But there are so many aunties on the streets! Just look around you now! All these women were young once, and probably slimmer and prettier.. what happened to them? Will the same thing happen to us? 

Is it just metabolism? Or age? Hmm, if I did not become a mother, I am quite certain I would be able to remain slim and  ok-pretty for many many more years.. Do pregnancy & childbirth change our body so much? It's not just about going back to its former glory..  It's no longer being able to eat & eat and not put on a single ounce.. It's the hips are wider and no amount of dieting/exercise can 'narrow' the hips.. It's the abuse that breastfeeding exerts on the sisterly assets..

I have said this before, and I shall say it again - NEVER become a mother unless you really want to!

Is it vain for a woman to take care of her looks? Is it a waste of money to buy nice clothes and good skincare products? Is it a waste of time to go for facials?

It's not just about whether the hubby minds the wife looking haggard. Many guys reading this would probably say they would love their wife no matter how she looks. Many would say they are not superficial and it's not just about the looks. I agree, so many good men among my friends, I am sure they will not have affairs or love their wife less just because she does not look as good as before. BUT think of it another way - how does your wife feel? Now, the good men might say, 'hey my wife is a good woman, not a vainpot like you ZZ, she won't be upset about how she looks!' OK OK, congratulations to you! You can stop reading now!

Back to what I was saying. These are all 'extra' and not-essential things. But, won't the wife smile from the heart when the hubby insists she go for a facial while he looks after the kid(s)? Won't she feel pampered  when he offers to pay for a luxury skincare item for her? Won't she be pleased when he tells her he doesn't mind waiting for her while she pops into the salon for a mani/pedi?

Won't a happy wife be more loving and more lovey-dovey toward the hubby?

I know I sure felt very happy when my hubby said he would pay for new clothes for me! :D

(take a rain-check on that first. No point buying new clothes when the body wearing them is not up to standards yet :p)

How to implement a proper self-care regime though? I have been diligently applying body moisturiser and taking my anti-oxidant nightly. Seriously, self-care is hard work. A facial once a month is reasonable I think, but on top of the other weekend engagements we have (meeting up with friends, bringing the boys out to play, visiting family, couple time), it's not easy to squeeze in two hours for the facial. I shall work on it though, and NOT feel any guilt about leaving Hubby with the two boys!

Hurray for self-care!

*no guilt* *no guilt* *no guilt* *no guilt* *no guilt* *no guilt* *no guilt* *no guilt* *no guilt*

*I deserve it* *I deserve it* *I deserve it* *I deserve it* *I deserve it* *I deserve it* *I deserve it*

Benign Neglect

Often I get quite defensive when other people, especially Hubby, comment negatively about the boys. But when he said I had not been 'grooming' Didi, I had to agree... Grooming in the sense of teaching him, playing with him, or even talking to him. It's a vast contrast compared to when Jiale was young.. I seldom even did any housework when Jiale was awake, preferring to spend all my time playing with him. Now, I am often cooking or cleaning up messes or playing with Jiale while Didi plays by himself. Even for my afternoon 'free' time, it starts as soon as Jiale goes into his room for his nap, i.e. sometimes Didi is still awake & playing. And instead of spending one-to-one time with him, I choose to eat my lunch first and then start to use the computer.. while Didi is still playing by himself!

This is really very terrible. If I were only neglecting Didi when Jiale was around, I might still be able to justify it (to myself). I am ashamed to say that I look forward to my me-time, usually 1.5 to 2 hours, and I can't bear to give it up.. not even part of it.. not even for Didi...

Saw this term 'benign neglect' in the book I am reading now - 'You are Your Child's First Teacher' by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. The author is a Steiner/Waldorf early childhood educator, and I got the book as I am interested in learning more about Waldorf (sorta similar to RIE).

'But the 'benign neglect' and the interaction with siblings that a younger child receives are beneficial compared to the over-indulgence and propulsion into adult activity that first and only children tend to receive. As parents, we need always to keep our toddlers in our psychic awareness, but we don't always need to be interacting with them. Raising a child who can play alone, who is self-motivating and not always needing adult input is a real blessing.'

Haha, this did make me feel less guilty! (See, I told you people tended to read things that further supported whatever they already believed :P)

OK, but seriously, I know I gotta spend more time with Didi lah. Shall ponder on it. But at the same time, Didi benefits so much from being a second child, that I really wonder what on earth is wrong with being the second child..! See huh, he gets to do so much sensory play.. which Kor Kor hardly got to do at all at the same age! Secondly, Didi has a good routine going - proper naps, outdoor play almost daily (other than these two weeks of mummy being extremely unmotivated) - no pressure to walk/perform any other physical stunt, never being forced to eat, no tantrums from mummy.. all because Kor Kor has been the guinea pig for mummy's learning!

Jiale used to have bouts of 'dieting' when he hardly ate anything at all, and I felt quite worried even though the books say it is normal. Now, I see that he still grew well despite his 'dieting', so I am never worried when Didi refuses to eat. And while I used to lose my temper at Jiale when he was naughty, I am much more patient with Didi, having been well-trained by Jiale - tantrums don't work on babies! Guilt from all the wrong things I did with/toward Jiale (such as spanking) also motivates me to change and improve my parenting methods towards Didi.

But hor, there are some not-so-good things which I do not feel any guilt about.. such as bringing Didi shopping while he just sits in his stroller (when Jiale is in school).. Used to feel mightily guilty about bringing Jiale around for my errands, but not this time.. Because I know that very soon, Didi will not quietly sit there anymore! So I shall make hay while the sun shines! 

Time Out, Again

It has been more than a month since my last post on time out. How has it been working for the past few weeks?

I think it is working very well indeed! For example, Jiale was given time out a few times yesterday, for hitting & kicking Didi and me. (Yes, he still does that sometimes, but the effectiveness of time out in eliminating undesirable behaviors is another discussion.)

He kicks Didi, because Didi takes his toy. (and yes, Didi can be very naughty too)

Mummy asks him to go to his room for time out. Before closing the door, I tell him, "Mummy said cannot kick Didi. So you have to go to time out. You can come out only when I say so."

He might or might not be crying at this point. But 99% of the time, he stops once I close the door. All quiet inside.

After 2-3 minutes (the standard is 2 minutes since he is 2 years old. I add one minute if he refuses to go in by himself), I call out, "OK you can come out now."

He opens the door and comes out, usually smiley and friendly : )
(At the beginning, he was usually not smiling though he was not unfriendly or grouchy either... more of just apprehensive 'what is mummy going to do when I come out..?' But I guess now he knows I won't scold him after time out.)

Mummy does not have a chance to lose temper or to scold him things which I would probably regret afterwards, and the two minutes is sufficient for me to calm down too. When he comes out, I welcome him with a smile and open arms. (The book says not supposed to mention the naughty thing he did after he has served the time out, so I don't.)

Most importantly, he does not try to take back his toy from Didi! Usually he goes to Didi with the same toy (or another toy if Didi is still playing with the original toy) and gives it to Didi with a hug! So I guess he sorts out his thoughts while alone in the room : )

We carry on with whatever we are doing, instead of wasting time scolding/nagging/sulking, and harmony is restored. Less negative vibes too : )

OK, the boys are still napping. So, about the effectiveness of time out to stop undesirable behaviors for good - I believe this will take a longer time, and at Jiale's age I do not expect him to be perfect or angelic. Slowly, slowly : ) For now, I am happy enough that I have a solution which reduces the amount of scolding & nagging I do.

In His Own Time

Read an article on one of my favorite blogs recently and it got me thinking of my worries about Jiale's concentration span when he was not even two years old. At that time I saw other children of his age being able to sit down for 'lessons' with their mums, but it was next to impossible to do such seat work with Jiale. I felt rather worried then, even having some concerns whether he was hyperactive. Yet, he did not really seem to be hyperactive.. just.. not able to sit down for 'lessons' with me. Given my parenting style, I chose not to 'force' him to do so, and just let him be.

Fast forward to a few months down the road. Now, there are so many times during each day that I see Jiale fully concentrating on whatever he is doing. Even though he does not have to go to school everyday and he has so much time at home, I still feel that he needs more time to do what he wants to..! Often when I tell him it's bedtime/bathtime/mealtime soon, he responds with 'no! play!', usually while fully focused on his 'work'. This 'work' might be his trains & tracks, blocks, a book, or one of his many toys. Each time, he is able to easily spend up to an hour engrossed, playing on his own.

Other examples of things I felt worried/stressed about, and eventually he showed me that there was nothing to worry about:

Spelling/ word recognition/ reading
Much as I would like to do proper 'lessons' with him, I do not wish to 'make' him sit down with me. As a result, though I do get a few opportunities here and there, we do not have a structured lesson format going on. What we do have is a 'rich' environment - I put up word charts, flashcards etc all around the house - on the fridge door, on the walls, on the doors, on the coffee table.. everywhere! And of course we have books everywhere and I read to him at bedtime and whenever he asks me to.

Now he can recognise some Chinese and English words, even when the words appear in different books or when I write the word on his doodle board.

Drawing
I have never 'instructed' him when it comes to art & craft. I just let him have free play with the materials. And recently, he has starting 'naming' what he is drawing. For instance, he drew a lion while I was busy with something else, and when I came back to him, he told me it was a lion without me prompting him : ) Still, I shall take care not to ask him everytime what he is drawing, as he is still young and it is perfectly reasonable that sometimes he just wants to scribble and might not be drawing anything.

Talking
Jiale is quite late in starting to talk. Nevertheless, he is talking a lot more nowadays. Later than many others, but that's ok with me : )

From these examples, I have learnt that there is no need to rush him if he is not ready, and probably it won't do him any good to rush him. Mummy shall just wait patiently, and in the meantime, provide lots of opportunities (time & materials) for him to play, play, play!

I Just Wanna Rant

i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum
i feel lonely as a non-christian trying-to-homeschool mum

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Book: Brain Gym

Disclaimer: My 'book reviews' are very subjective as it depends on whether the book is relevant to my family. Neither will I be doing any summary as I believe it's the details that make the book useful/helpful.

(Seems like I am on a roll writing book reviews! Haha, actually finished reading these books recently but did not have time to blog about them. Hubby has KO for the night so I have the laptop at my disposal.)

Can't recall why I decided to get hold of this book (from library). Must have come across it in some blog or another book. Basically, the authors are saying that there are some exercises that help to 'enhance the experience of whole brain learning'. And this book is really very simple - no theories or chim chim explanations, just illustrations and simple instructions about how to do the exercises. I found the illustrations & instructions to be too simple!

But, brain gym exercises are easy to do and do not take up much time, and I think it's good to do them with the child. Even if they don't help the brain, stretching and any physical exercise are always good : )

For more detailed explanations, another book which I review here might be more helpful.

Book: Smart Moves

Disclaimer: My 'book reviews' are very subjective as it depends on whether the book is relevant to my family. Neither will I be doing any summary as I believe it's the details that make the book useful/helpful.

As I was reading online reviews of the book 'Brain Gym', I came across this book which was recommended as more detailed reading of the concepts and theories behind Brain Gym. Thus I reserved it from the library as well.

Took me a long time to finish the book. My take: It's too chim for a layman like me. I don't think it's necessary for me to know how the brain gym exercises affect the proprioceptive receptors or the basal ganglion :P While Brain Gym was too simple, this is too complicated.

I say, skip it unless you have a lot of time/ are very interested in brain functioning/ are medically trained.

Book: Your Self-Confident Baby

Disclaimer: My 'book reviews' are very subjective as it depends on whether the book is relevant to my family. Neither will I be doing any summary as I believe it's the details that make the book useful/helpful.

Been reading this blog a lot recently, and I like the author's philosophy in working with children. She trained under Magda Gerber, so naturally I searched for a book by Gerber and found this book.

The book is more relevant for parents with children below two years old. The book was ok, so this is more of a review of the author's philosophy.

The underlying idea is - wait. Trust your child to develop at his own pace. Don't try to rush him to do things he is not ready to. For example, don't hold his hands and 'walk' him. No need to teach academic stuff as he will learn what he needs to from the natural environment.

I like this idea. It is what I am trying to do with regards to Jiale's 'academic learning'. I like it a lot.. just that I don't know whether I have the willpower to wait and resisit peer pressure & societal pressure.

Good to read this book if you know you are not a ks parent &/or do not want to be a ks parent.

Book: 1-2-3 Magic. Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

Disclaimer: My 'book reviews' are very subjective as it depends on whether the book is relevant to my family. Neither will I be doing any summary as I believe it's the details that make the book useful/helpful.

Borrowed this book from the library after another mummy recommended it. When I first heard of this 1-2-3 method, I thought, 'Why need to give three chances? Wouldn't that be teaching the child that he could get away with being naughty two times before he got punished? What if he hit someone, wait for him to hit two more times before taking action??'

But once I read the book, I realised one shall not judge a book by its cover.. without reading it! :P In fact, even when I was reading the Introduction, I felt like ditching the book - it sounded too much like a salesperson making a hard sell! Fortunately, I persevered : )

So, what if the child hits someone? No need to wait for two more times! For 'offences' deemed serious enough, the parent can go to '3' straight away and impose a punishment (such as time-out). The book also gives examples of many other disciplinary situations. Best of all, it's funny and a good read, not draggy at all. Given the scope it covers, I am amazed it's a very manageable 212 pages.

The 1-2-3 method seems like it will be a good add-on to my current disciplinary method, i.e. time-out. But I only want to use time-out for major problems like hitting, instead of sending him off to time-out for every little thing. Using 1-2-3, it means that three 'small' misbehaviours equate one 'big' misbehaviour.. sorta makes sense to me.

Other things in the book which make sense to me and make me agree and want to try:
1) No Talking. No Emotion.
me: emotion and 'discussion' often escalate to anger and frustration, resulting in a 'parental tantrum'. I fully agree that there's no point in talking too much to a unhappy young child, which we do only because we assume a child is a 'little adult' (elaborated in the book).

2) Different methods for stopping obnoxious behavior and encouraging good behavior. Also talks about the importance of strengthening parent-child relationship.

Good book!

Personal Space for Children

I have come to realise that Jiale needs his personal space from Didi. It's not realistic to expect him to share all his things and always play together with Didi. This is especially so since Didi is still at the destructive age and does not know how to be gentle with 'fragile' items, such as Jiale's 3D foam letters and the trains which he spends much effort to line up soooo precisely. Not to mention that Didi does not understand &/or does not care what is 'NO!!'

Thus the playyard has come in handy again. Other than cordoning off the sofa & coffee table so that Didi cannot climb on them, the area has also become Jiale's space away from Didi. Jiale can easily climb over the playyard, while Didi can only look on.

Other than this small area in the living room, I also tell Jiale that if he does not want Didi to touch his things or to disturb him, he should go into his bedroom and close the door. So far, this arrangment has been working quite well. But as you can see, Didi has started his attempts to climb over the playyard, probably because he sees Kor Kor do it so often. Hopefully, by the time he manages to climb over, he will be able to understand the idea of 'personal space' without needing a physical barrier.

Other than me, the other person with whom the boys spend the most time would be each other. Notwithstanding that Jiale only goes to school for one morning a week, I believe that the time spent in school or at other caregivers' place cannot really be counted as personal space, as the child would not be in his own home. And even though Jiale gets a break from Didi when Didi is having his morning nap, I would consider that more to be personal time, rather than personal space. My idea of personal space is a place where the child can retreat to anytime, depending on his mood & preferences.

That said, it does not mean that the brothers don't get along. Often, I walk past the living room to see them on different sides of the playyard, and the next time I walk past, both boys would be playing together somewhere. It makes me feel good to know that Jiale made the choice to be with his brother : )