Benign Neglect

Often I get quite defensive when other people, especially Hubby, comment negatively about the boys. But when he said I had not been 'grooming' Didi, I had to agree... Grooming in the sense of teaching him, playing with him, or even talking to him. It's a vast contrast compared to when Jiale was young.. I seldom even did any housework when Jiale was awake, preferring to spend all my time playing with him. Now, I am often cooking or cleaning up messes or playing with Jiale while Didi plays by himself. Even for my afternoon 'free' time, it starts as soon as Jiale goes into his room for his nap, i.e. sometimes Didi is still awake & playing. And instead of spending one-to-one time with him, I choose to eat my lunch first and then start to use the computer.. while Didi is still playing by himself!

This is really very terrible. If I were only neglecting Didi when Jiale was around, I might still be able to justify it (to myself). I am ashamed to say that I look forward to my me-time, usually 1.5 to 2 hours, and I can't bear to give it up.. not even part of it.. not even for Didi...

Saw this term 'benign neglect' in the book I am reading now - 'You are Your Child's First Teacher' by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. The author is a Steiner/Waldorf early childhood educator, and I got the book as I am interested in learning more about Waldorf (sorta similar to RIE).

'But the 'benign neglect' and the interaction with siblings that a younger child receives are beneficial compared to the over-indulgence and propulsion into adult activity that first and only children tend to receive. As parents, we need always to keep our toddlers in our psychic awareness, but we don't always need to be interacting with them. Raising a child who can play alone, who is self-motivating and not always needing adult input is a real blessing.'

Haha, this did make me feel less guilty! (See, I told you people tended to read things that further supported whatever they already believed :P)

OK, but seriously, I know I gotta spend more time with Didi lah. Shall ponder on it. But at the same time, Didi benefits so much from being a second child, that I really wonder what on earth is wrong with being the second child..! See huh, he gets to do so much sensory play.. which Kor Kor hardly got to do at all at the same age! Secondly, Didi has a good routine going - proper naps, outdoor play almost daily (other than these two weeks of mummy being extremely unmotivated) - no pressure to walk/perform any other physical stunt, never being forced to eat, no tantrums from mummy.. all because Kor Kor has been the guinea pig for mummy's learning!

Jiale used to have bouts of 'dieting' when he hardly ate anything at all, and I felt quite worried even though the books say it is normal. Now, I see that he still grew well despite his 'dieting', so I am never worried when Didi refuses to eat. And while I used to lose my temper at Jiale when he was naughty, I am much more patient with Didi, having been well-trained by Jiale - tantrums don't work on babies! Guilt from all the wrong things I did with/toward Jiale (such as spanking) also motivates me to change and improve my parenting methods towards Didi.

But hor, there are some not-so-good things which I do not feel any guilt about.. such as bringing Didi shopping while he just sits in his stroller (when Jiale is in school).. Used to feel mightily guilty about bringing Jiale around for my errands, but not this time.. Because I know that very soon, Didi will not quietly sit there anymore! So I shall make hay while the sun shines!