Definition by Wikipedia
"Cognitive dissonance is the term used in modern psychology to describe the discomfort felt by a person seeking to hold two or more conflicting cognitions (e.g., ideas, beliefts, values, emotional) simultaneously. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. The theory of cognitive dissonance in social psychology proposes that people have a motivational drive
to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions, adding new ones
to create a consistent belief system, or alternatively by reducing the
importance of any one of the dissonant elements. An example of this would be the conflict between wanting to smoke and
knowing that smoking is unhealthy; a person may try to change their
feelings about the odds that they will actually suffer the consequences,
or they might add the consonant element that the short term benefits of
smoking outweigh the long term harm. The need to avoid cognitive
dissonance may bias one towards a certain decision even though other
factors favour an alternative."
Recently I have read &/or participated in a few online discussions about homeschooling vs preschools, play vs academics, or some variation or another, etc. Realised that most people, myself included, already have an opinion, and would usually comment accordingly. Which is not wrong lah I think, just that... then what's the use of such debates? :p Now, I would rather not go into an argument with anyone regarding OPINIONS, since we are all entitled to our own viewpoints. But hor, since you have stated your opinion in an open discussion, I am entitled to stating my opinion too. Then if you wanna continue to 'shoot' my argument, urmm, I have no choice but to 'shoot' back lah. Not a good habit, but I am just not gonna give in first, you know?
Anyway, it got me wondering - do we think about what's the best thing to do, then do it, and support this way of doing things, OR are we doing things a certain way, then give support to what we are already doing? Using an example close to my heart - homeschooling vs sending to school.
So, I am homeschooling my son. Did I decide on this after considering first whether it is best for my son? Or perhaps, because of circumstances, maybe I can't afford the school fees, or I am too lazy to send him to school and fetch him home, or I can't get a place for him in the one and only (hypothetical) school I like.... etc etc.. None of which takes in consideration what's best for him.
And then, because I am too lazy to do the sending and fetching, I decide to keep him at home. But but but, I can't tell people that's the reason right? In fact, I don't think I can even admit to myself that's the reason! Gasp! Then how?? Bo bian, in order to make myself feel better and to look like a decent mummy to others and to reduce my cognitive dissonance, I have to start telling myself that hey, I am really doing it for the sake of the child! Homeschooling is good, it's best for him, schools are stressful, it's bad for him, a child should play, blah blah blah. Eventually, I have even convinced myself that it's the truth (and conveniently forgot the real reason).
How about the other side of the fence? (Please don't take offence if you are sending your child to school, see above, I already gave myself the worst 'reasons' hor.) Now, let's say if I am sending him to school. Is it because I really think it's best for the child to start school at 2 years old? Or is it because I can't cope with two children with me the whole day, or I can cope but I don't want to takan myself and I want me-time, etc etc..? Neither of which takes into consideration what's best for him.
So, because I want to take things easy, I decide to send him to school everyday. But I can't tell people that's the reason right? Thus, in order to reduce my cognitive dissonance and look better to others, I convince myself and tell others that he's going to school for socialization, to learn through play, spend time with other adults, learn to cope in a group setting, prepare him for primary one, etc etc.. all of which are reasons that are for the child's benefit (whether or not it's true is another issue).
In the same vein as cognitive dissonance, I guess people have a need to justify their actions, to themselves and to others. In this example, I experience cognitive dissonance when I think that a very young child should be allowed to play more, yet because of circumstantial reasons, I send him to school. Thus I reduce the discomfort I feel by changing my existing cognition that play is more important than academics, or by adding a new belief system that he can play in school too, or by reducing the importance of play (still important, but perhaps not really that important). Tata! It becomes I am sending him to school because it is the best for him!
Anyway, this is not a post about the pros and cons of homeschooling vs sending to school. If that's my intention, I would have given more thought to the pros and cons instead of anyhow giving farfetched 'reasons'. I am just trying to illustrate that sometimes, people might be showing support for what they are already doing, instead of doing what they support first.
[Endnote: I agree that if the mummy knows she cannot cope and cannot provide a conducive homeschooling environment for the child, it is probably better for the child to attend school, because a stressed mummy probably means unhappy times for both mummy & child (& most probably daddy as well). And a stressed child can't learn well. (When I say 'learn', I mean child-led learning, not necessarily academic learning or mummy-prepared learning aids etc.)
Ok, to be very truthful, what I can't stand is mummies who send their children to school because she wants to relax, but insists it's for their sake. I think there is no shame in admitting it lor. But then, it is of course possible that some mummies truly deeply believe school is best, and some mummies have already gone through and resolved cognitive dissonance by convincing themselves and truly believing now that school is best. No issue with them :p Only we know what we really feel and think.]
So, am I homeschooling my son because I am too lazy to send him to school every morning? That's for only me to know! *wink*
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
More Good Reasons to Have the 3rd Kid ASAP
[my previous post on this topic]
Just thought of this today - you know all that talk going on about Singapore's replacement rate.. or rather, non-replacement? It's pretty much on a macro level, i.e. fewer young Singaporeans to support the older generation a couple of decades down the road. That is surely a concern, but unfortunately, not something that I personally can do much about.
BUT I can do something on the micro level! Yes my children will have to pay more taxes like all the other Singaporeans of their generation in order to support people of my generation. Bo bian, no complaints. But at least there will be 3 (or more) of them to share the 'burden' of caring for hubby and me!
If the age gap is big, there might also be additional burden of having to take care of the youngest sibling. My sister is 9 years younger than me, and before she graduated this year, I often thought about having to support her financially before she completed her studies, should anything untowards happen to my parents. I would be very willing to take care of her, but it's definitely something that weighed on my mind, even when I was considering to resign from my job and become income-less.
Money is just one aspect. Having only one child to care for the aged parents in future, can be justified by the (huge) amounts of savings now, as additional children will of course increase the parents' current expenditure. But what about, for example, taking leave to accompany the parent for medical appointments/physiotherapy/checkups etc? Or when there is no problem, just a routine weekend visit... If the one child is not free to visit, will he/she feel more pressure about neglecting the poor, lonely parents? Hmm, I for one definitely feel like skipping visits to my parents or my in-laws occasionally, and I do not feel much guilt because I know they still have their other children visiting them. Urmm, do you also feel like skipping visits to your in-laws at times? Do you feel guilty if your spouse is an only child? :p
The other reason I can think of for now, is a very important one to me, because of our circumstances, i.e. homeschooling at least for the preschool years. Frankly speaking, I am getting very little done with Jiale now, and I am very lazy. It is impossible to do much with him while Didi is awake, cos Didi is a destroyer and recently, started to be very unreasonable. (At the moment, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pitch black.) Although by right, I should have quite a lot of time (at least 1-2 hours) to do learning stuff with Jiale after Didi goes for his nap since Didi usually takes quite long naps. But I have two major problems:
Firstly, if I don't send Jiale in to bed at the same time, he might wake Didi up with his whining when I do send him in. If Didi has already napped 1-2 hours then, he might not return to sleep after being awakened. Urmm, the alternative is sending Jiale to nap after Didi wakes up naturally, but there are 3 sub-problems to this: It will be very late by the time Jiale wakes up (Didi naps from 1pm to 3.30pm, Jiale naps from 3.30pm to 5pm) and we can't have any outings. It is more difficult for Jiale to fall asleep when he knows Didi is playing outside, and Didi loves to go anddisturb look for him. Most importantly, it means I won't get any sans-kids break at all the whole day! I will die! A dead mummy ain't gonna do no homeschooling.
Secondly, by the time I send Didi in to nap, I am usually exhausted. Thus it is very tempting for me to take advantage of Jiale's superior ability to play independently for very long.. while I just stone. I have definitely given in to this temptation many many times : /
Luckily, I am a believer of play play play for young children. Discussed this with hubby before, and we agree that there is definitely no need to worry or stress the kids before they are at least 5 years old, or maybe even 7 years old. If our plans go well, Jiale will be about 4 years old when the 3rd baby arrives. Thus, when the baby reaches the age of reasonableness of 2 years (and hopefully, independent play, going by Jiale's standards), Jiale will be at most 6 years old. And I can start proper seatwork kind of homeschooling with him then! (this is the latest, worst estimate la. Hopefully I can solve my laziness problem earlier.) So, no need to worry for now! : )
Project this a few more years down the road - when Jiale is taking his PSLE, the youngest will be already about 8 years old. I can focus on helping him with exam preparations, no need to take care of small baby! :p
Just thought of this today - you know all that talk going on about Singapore's replacement rate.. or rather, non-replacement? It's pretty much on a macro level, i.e. fewer young Singaporeans to support the older generation a couple of decades down the road. That is surely a concern, but unfortunately, not something that I personally can do much about.
BUT I can do something on the micro level! Yes my children will have to pay more taxes like all the other Singaporeans of their generation in order to support people of my generation. Bo bian, no complaints. But at least there will be 3 (or more) of them to share the 'burden' of caring for hubby and me!
If the age gap is big, there might also be additional burden of having to take care of the youngest sibling. My sister is 9 years younger than me, and before she graduated this year, I often thought about having to support her financially before she completed her studies, should anything untowards happen to my parents. I would be very willing to take care of her, but it's definitely something that weighed on my mind, even when I was considering to resign from my job and become income-less.
Money is just one aspect. Having only one child to care for the aged parents in future, can be justified by the (huge) amounts of savings now, as additional children will of course increase the parents' current expenditure. But what about, for example, taking leave to accompany the parent for medical appointments/physiotherapy/checkups etc? Or when there is no problem, just a routine weekend visit... If the one child is not free to visit, will he/she feel more pressure about neglecting the poor, lonely parents? Hmm, I for one definitely feel like skipping visits to my parents or my in-laws occasionally, and I do not feel much guilt because I know they still have their other children visiting them. Urmm, do you also feel like skipping visits to your in-laws at times? Do you feel guilty if your spouse is an only child? :p
The other reason I can think of for now, is a very important one to me, because of our circumstances, i.e. homeschooling at least for the preschool years. Frankly speaking, I am getting very little done with Jiale now, and I am very lazy. It is impossible to do much with him while Didi is awake, cos Didi is a destroyer and recently, started to be very unreasonable. (At the moment, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pitch black.) Although by right, I should have quite a lot of time (at least 1-2 hours) to do learning stuff with Jiale after Didi goes for his nap since Didi usually takes quite long naps. But I have two major problems:
Firstly, if I don't send Jiale in to bed at the same time, he might wake Didi up with his whining when I do send him in. If Didi has already napped 1-2 hours then, he might not return to sleep after being awakened. Urmm, the alternative is sending Jiale to nap after Didi wakes up naturally, but there are 3 sub-problems to this: It will be very late by the time Jiale wakes up (Didi naps from 1pm to 3.30pm, Jiale naps from 3.30pm to 5pm) and we can't have any outings. It is more difficult for Jiale to fall asleep when he knows Didi is playing outside, and Didi loves to go and
Secondly, by the time I send Didi in to nap, I am usually exhausted. Thus it is very tempting for me to take advantage of Jiale's superior ability to play independently for very long.. while I just stone. I have definitely given in to this temptation many many times : /
Luckily, I am a believer of play play play for young children. Discussed this with hubby before, and we agree that there is definitely no need to worry or stress the kids before they are at least 5 years old, or maybe even 7 years old. If our plans go well, Jiale will be about 4 years old when the 3rd baby arrives. Thus, when the baby reaches the age of reasonableness of 2 years (and hopefully, independent play, going by Jiale's standards), Jiale will be at most 6 years old. And I can start proper seatwork kind of homeschooling with him then! (this is the latest, worst estimate la. Hopefully I can solve my laziness problem earlier.) So, no need to worry for now! : )
Project this a few more years down the road - when Jiale is taking his PSLE, the youngest will be already about 8 years old. I can focus on helping him with exam preparations, no need to take care of small baby! :p
Book: Teach Your Own. The John Holt Book of Homeschooling
The author presents a strong case for homeschooling in this book. I don't think I had seriously read any book on homeschooling for school-aged children before, since my older son is not even 3 years old yet, and primary school seemed to be in the very distant future.
As I have not been feeling well recently, it took me quite some time to finish reading the book, unlike for the previous Holt book I read when I was enthusiastically taking notes. So I can't really write much here. One thing though, is that while reading this book, it was the first time I started to seriously contemplate homeschooling my sons even when they reach primary school age.
"The most important question any thinking creature can ask itself is, 'What is worth thinking about?' When we deny its right to decide that for itself, when we try to control what it must attend to and think about, we make it less observant, resourceful, and adaptive, in a word, less intelligent, in a blunter word, more stupid."
"Intelligence... is not the measure of how much we know how to do, but of how we behave when we don't know what to do. It has to do with our ability to think up important questions and then to find ways to get useful answers."
As I have not been feeling well recently, it took me quite some time to finish reading the book, unlike for the previous Holt book I read when I was enthusiastically taking notes. So I can't really write much here. One thing though, is that while reading this book, it was the first time I started to seriously contemplate homeschooling my sons even when they reach primary school age.
"The most important question any thinking creature can ask itself is, 'What is worth thinking about?' When we deny its right to decide that for itself, when we try to control what it must attend to and think about, we make it less observant, resourceful, and adaptive, in a word, less intelligent, in a blunter word, more stupid."
"Intelligence... is not the measure of how much we know how to do, but of how we behave when we don't know what to do. It has to do with our ability to think up important questions and then to find ways to get useful answers."
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