At Royce Kids' Gym (Liang Court) a few days ago, Jiale was playing with two toy vehicles when another boy tried to take one away. Jiale was not happy about it and refused to let go of the toy. In that split second, I had to decide what to do/say.
I chose to keep quiet.
Though my instinct was to tell him to share, the logical side of me asked, why did he have to give up something just because some random stranger wanted the same thing? It was not easy to keep quiet, while the other mummy was going, 'share, (her son's name), share'... I felt like a bad mummy..
OK, to tell the truth, I felt like everyone around us must be thinking I was a bad mummy who did not teach my child to share. Actually, once it dawned on me why I felt uncomfortable about the situation (others' perceptions), it was clear to me what I should do - I shall not help my child to retain his possession (albeit temporary), and neither will I help someone else to take it away from him.
After the incident, I explained to Jiale that he did not have to give up the toy if someone tried to snatch it from him, but if he moved away from the toy or stopped playing with it, it would be fair game to anyone since it was a playground. I also limited the number of toys he could claim to be 'his' at any point in time (maximum two). Suggested that if the other party asked him politely, he could consider sharing the toy, but the choice would be his.
At the same time, if we were at a playdate, I might or might not tell him to share the toy. See, even when I am friends with the other mummy, he might not be friends with his playmate.. or at least, not yet. So to him, the other kid is just a random stranger whose mummy his mummy decides to meet up with...
I do hope that Jiale will be willing to share his things with his friends. But I think he needs to learn the concept of friendship first. And I believe that comes as he gets older. More than just having fun when he is playing with the other kid, he feels for him and does not want him to be upset.. I think that's when there is an emotional bond and he truly sees the playmate as a friend. And if he still does not want to share then.. well, I shall worry about that when the time comes!
Eventually, he should be gracious and polite and give in even if some unreasonable brute tries to take his things lah. But that's a problem for another day :p
Sidetrack a bit, actually I believe that many problems are problems only because of the timing. One example is the academic expectations we have toward children. Teaching a 3-year-old to write will definitely be more stressful than teaching a 5-year-old who has the necessary motor skills and muscle development. Disputes over toys are common among 3-year-olds but not so among 7-year-olds. At Jiale's grand old age of 32 months now, I would rather he practise being assertive. To a toddler, assertively retaining possession of his toy is more intuitive than generously sharing. But even more importantly, I do not wish him to feel 'abandoned' or 'betrayed' by his own mother - 'why mummy helps the other boy but not me?' Sharing is good but I don't think he can understand now. No doubt in future I will need to be the devil's advocate at some point, but hopefully he is more mature and able + willing to understand then.
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