Cognitive Dissonance

Definition by Wikipedia
"Cognitive dissonance is the term used in modern psychology to describe the discomfort felt by a person seeking to hold two or more conflicting cognitions (e.g., ideas, beliefts, values, emotional) simultaneously. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. The theory of cognitive dissonance in social psychology proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions, adding new ones to create a consistent belief system, or alternatively by reducing the importance of any one of the dissonant elements. An example of this would be the conflict between wanting to smoke and knowing that smoking is unhealthy; a person may try to change their feelings about the odds that they will actually suffer the consequences, or they might add the consonant element that the short term benefits of smoking outweigh the long term harm. The need to avoid cognitive dissonance may bias one towards a certain decision even though other factors favour an alternative."

Recently I have read &/or participated in a few online discussions about homeschooling vs preschools, play vs academics, or some variation or another, etc. Realised that most people, myself included, already have an opinion, and would usually comment accordingly. Which is not wrong lah I think, just that... then what's the use of such debates? :p Now, I would rather not go into an argument with anyone regarding OPINIONS, since we are all entitled to our own viewpoints. But hor, since you have stated your opinion in an open discussion, I am entitled to stating my opinion too. Then if you wanna continue to 'shoot' my argument, urmm, I have no choice but to 'shoot' back lah. Not a good habit, but I am just not gonna give in first, you know?

Anyway, it got me wondering - do we think about what's the best thing to do, then do it, and support this way of doing things, OR are we doing things a certain way, then give support to what we are already doing? Using an example close to my heart - homeschooling vs sending to school.

So, I am homeschooling my son. Did I decide on this after considering first whether it is best for my son? Or perhaps, because of circumstances, maybe I can't afford the school fees, or I am too lazy to send him to school and fetch him home, or I can't get a place for him in the one and only (hypothetical) school I like.... etc etc.. None of which takes in consideration what's best for him.

And then, because I am too lazy to do the sending and fetching, I decide to keep him at home. But but but, I can't tell people that's the reason right? In fact, I don't think I can even admit to myself that's the reason! Gasp! Then how?? Bo bian, in order to make myself feel better and to look like a decent mummy to others and to reduce my cognitive dissonance, I have to start telling myself that hey, I am really doing it for the sake of the child! Homeschooling is good, it's best for him, schools are stressful, it's bad for him, a child should play, blah blah blah. Eventually, I have even convinced myself that it's the truth (and conveniently forgot the real reason).

How about the other side of the fence? (Please don't take offence if you are sending your child to school, see above, I already gave myself the worst 'reasons' hor.) Now, let's say if I am sending him to school. Is it because I really think it's best for the child to start school at 2 years old? Or is it because I can't cope with two children with me the whole day, or I can cope but I don't want to takan myself and I want me-time, etc etc..? Neither of which takes into consideration what's best for him.

So, because I want to take things easy, I decide to send him to school everyday. But I can't tell people that's the reason right? Thus, in order to reduce my cognitive dissonance and look better to others, I convince myself and tell others that he's going to school for socialization, to learn through play, spend time with other adults, learn to cope in a group setting, prepare him for primary one, etc etc.. all of which are reasons that are for the child's benefit (whether or not it's true is another issue).

In the same vein as cognitive dissonance, I guess people have a need to justify their actions, to themselves and to others. In this example, I experience cognitive dissonance when I think that a very young child should be allowed to play more, yet because of circumstantial reasons, I send him to school. Thus I reduce the discomfort I feel by changing my existing cognition that play is more important than academics, or by adding a new belief system that he can play in school too, or by reducing the importance of play (still important, but perhaps not really that important). Tata! It becomes I am sending him to school because it is the best for him!

Anyway, this is not a post about the pros and cons of homeschooling vs sending to school. If that's my intention, I would have given more thought to the pros and cons instead of anyhow giving farfetched 'reasons'. I am just trying to illustrate that sometimes, people might be showing support for what they are already doing, instead of doing what they support first.

[Endnote: I agree that if the mummy knows she cannot cope and cannot provide a conducive homeschooling environment for the child, it is probably better for the child to attend school, because a stressed mummy probably means unhappy times for both mummy & child (& most probably daddy as well). And a stressed child can't learn well. (When I say 'learn', I mean child-led learning, not necessarily academic learning or mummy-prepared learning aids etc.)

Ok, to be very truthful, what I can't stand is mummies who send their children to school because she wants to relax, but insists it's for their sake. I think there is no shame in admitting it lor. But then, it is of course possible that some mummies truly deeply believe school is best, and some mummies have already gone through and resolved cognitive dissonance by convincing themselves and truly believing now that school is best. No issue with them :p Only we know what we really feel and think.]

So, am I homeschooling my son because I am too lazy to send him to school every morning? That's for only me to know! *wink*