I'm Not Bragging

There has been some discussion among a group of online mummy friends about this topic, so I decided to write a post on my own thoughts & feelings about it. It seems that some of these poor mummies were criticized &/or questioned why they were doing so much learning stuff with their kids, wouldn't the kid feel stressed, wouldn't the kid be bored in school, were they bragging when they posted on FB about the kid's accomplishments.

I am quite fortunate that no one has made such remarks to me yet, maybe because what I do is not very academic, maybe because I am lucky that all my friends & acquaintances see the merits in what I do, or they can't be bothered anyway, maybe because they know my character and wisely decide not to make negative comments.

Anyway, just for the record, I want to make it clear that I am in no way bragging when I post about what Jiale has learnt. I no longer meet up regularly with other mummies who have children of the same age as Jiale, and Jiale doesn't go to daily school, so I have zero idea how his peers are doing. When I posted that Jiale could read/spell a few words, who knows, maybe his peers are already reading/spelling dozens of words! I do not know whether Jiale is smarter than his peers, I only know he is smarter than he was yesterday. I do not know whether Jiale is learning a lot very fast, I only know he is learning what he did not know yesterday. I compare him to himself, and I am not afraid to admit I am very proud of what he has achieved!

To play safe, I also want to inform everyone that I do not welcome disparaging or discouraging comments about what I do with my children. Another wise mummy said she would not listen to anyone else but herself when it came to her children, and I fully agree. Amidst all the advice and recommendations and shared experiences from others, ultimately it is the parents who must decide. Negative comments will only upset me, and I will most likely upset the person too - not because I want to 'take revenge', just that I will argue back and disagree in order to put across my point. I am not a doormat and will not allow people to walk all over me. I reserve the right not to publish your comment (on blog) and to delete your comment (on FB), unless it is to publish for the sake of argument.

OK, dunno why I got so agitated. Nobody stepped on my toes. I guess I am just upset there are people in the world who would pour cold water on someone else's enthusiasm when it is none of their business in the first place. I post on FB to share my happiness/unhappiness with people who care/are interested/don't mind reading for leisure. Anyone who doesn't want to read can just get lost go away.

Feel much better after ranting :p

Advice for Singles/ New Couples

OK, I have clearly stated I am going to dispense advice. So if you do not wish unsolicited advice, please stop reading. But if you are already married, you can read for fun since this is not directed toward you :p

1. Always find a house near the wife's mother. No matter how nice or helpful the husband's parents are, the wife will feel paiseh asking them to help out with the children too often. Whereas I have no qualms unloading them on my mother. Unfortunately I stay very far from my parents. We chose to buy a flat near my in-laws as I did not expect myself to become a sahm then, and the plan was for my in-laws to take care of the kids while I went to work. Having a readily available caregiver (i.e. wife's mother) will allow the wife to take time off for a break whenever she feels burnt out.

How is this good for the husband? Happy wife, happy life.

2. If you are not married yet, do try your very best to imagine what your girlfriend/boyfriend will be like as a parent. I know, having kids might seem very distant if you have not even planned your wedding. I know for sure that I did not seriously/properly imagine this. Basically, my thought process was - good boyfriend, good person, surely will be a good parent. Not that my hubby is not a good daddy lah, but being more hands-on will be helpful to family harmony :p

3. It is also very important to be in agreement about how many children to have, when you want them, who to take care of them, whether one should be a stay-at-home-parent, etc. It is normal for opinions to change after marriage/having the first kid. But at least you have something to fall back on. To be very frank, if you already disagree before getting married, I strongly advise thrashing things out first or errr, finding another person to marry :p

4. When you are doing up your lovenest, do consider how it will work out with kids around. In my case, luckily my house is quite big, or else I might have gone nuts whenever Jiale pours out his Lego when Didi is napping..! It is very loud! I also try to keep Jiale in the living room or kitchen when he is in an excitable mood (i.e. yelling & laughing loudly and stomping around like elephant). We only play in his bedroom if he's in the mood to read books or do quiet play, as the bedrooms are clustered closely together. I am able to manage the two boys on my own only because they have their own bedrooms and thus they can sleep on their own once they are sleep-trained. So I discourage hacking walls to combine bedrooms cos you will most likely need more bedrooms!

[Once the kids are older, I will move them into the same bedroom and use the extra bedroom as a playroom. KIV first.]

I regret hacking the wall between my master bedroom and the room next to it. (We put the wall back up before Didi was born.) I also regret buying quite a few of the furniture - such as the table and chairs at the balcony where we had visualised ourselves relaxing with a cuppa and a book/newspapers. But now I just feel they are taking up space which can be better utilized for the boys' toys or be used as a learning corner! Storage space is very important to keep the kids' stuff - not only their toys and clothes, but parenting books and other 'gear'. BUT cabinets take up wall space! Wall space which I would prefer to use for learning charts etc.

[I am very very glad we only did cabinets on one side of the kitchen. Though it did (does) feel like there wasn't enough storage space in the kitchen, I can now use one whole half of the kitchen for the boys' art & craft area and toy kitchen.]

Hmm, that's enough volunteered advice for now. I am only writing this post because I am too bored while waiting for the boys to wake up!

Why I Want 3 Kids, ASAP

It's not because I am mad.

I am not a great fan of children, and I never go ga-ga when I see babies. I didn't know how to interact with babies until they were old enough to have a proper conversation with me, until I had my own children. The main reason why I want more than one child, is to give the firstborn siblings, i.e. playmates (i.e. people to fight with :p). And I believe that if there are only two, they have no choice but to play with each other. But when there are three or more, they gotta play nice.. or be obstracised! So, it's training in social skills lor. And the best thing about 'training' with siblings? Mummy doesn't have to worry about pleasing the other parent(s).. I can scold all the kids, or I can let them fight to the end..!

Hubby does agree on having three kids. But we differ in how long we think the age gap between the second and the third should be. He thinks we should wait a few more years as Jiale and Jiahe are both still very young. Me? I want to have the third as soon as possible! Because..

Firstly, the shorter the age gap, the more they can play together as peers. Similar strength, similar size, similar ability = no issue of bullying/victimization. As it is, as Didi is not even stable on his feet yet, I am always having to 'take sides'. ARGH. Dislike. I want to be able to leave them to sort out their own disputes, which is not very possible when one is at a disadvantage.

Secondly, I want to 'close factory' as soon as possible. Then can get rid of all the maternity clothes, nursing clothes, AND the fats. Now I am really unmotivated to make effort to slim down properly, cos I know it will all go back on again with the third baby. I seriously do not want to be this fat for the next few years! Oh ya, and also get rid of the baby toys sooner!

Thirdly, I think it has been easier coping with Didi as my experiences with Jiale are still fresh. With just a 18-month gap, I already find myself having to refer back to the books & Internet, but at least it only takes a refresher to recall what to do. Likely to have to start from beginning if the gap is too long.

Next, it also affects the routine for the kids. Currently, I have to lug Didi along for Jiale's swimming lesson. When Jiale goes to school one morning a week, Didi also misses his morning nap. Imagine if Jiale is much older when the new baby comes along, he might already be in kindergarten and attending school daily. It will be so much more difficult lugging a newborn to send Jiale to school everyday! (and yes, most likely I will be the one sending & fetching. And I don't trust schoolbuses.. In fact I don't feel secure to have my child in a moving vehicle unless they are with someone who loves them, i.e. limited to the grandparents, parents, our siblings and their spouses, and maybe a very few of my friends.)

Lastly, and most importantly, I am worried about the age and quality of my eggs. Not that my young eggs are definitely better than someone else's older eggs.. But my young eggs are surely better than my old eggs, right?? I am already 32 this year.. a few more years and I will be in the higher-risk group. More worries, more stress. Less restorative ability, less energy : (

I don't think it's going to get easier anyway. There are difficulties having a new baby with two young children around, but there will also be new challenges to have a new baby when the two boys are older. For instance, I am quite glad Jiale was only 18 months old when Didi arrived - still young, still blur :p

I am really not mad, ok?

Book: The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education

This is NOT a giveaway hor!

Also a recommendation from a learned mummy (I am so fortunate to know so many knowledgable mummies!). Very thick (800+ pages!), hardcover book. But luckily I can skip quite a lot of it cos it's divided into different school levels - Kindergarten through fourth grade, Fifth grade through eighth grade, and Ninth grade through twelfth grade. I have only read the prologue, the kindergarten part and the last part on How to educate your child at home, which is more of the practicalities.

It is quite a detailed book as it has separate chapters for each subject for each level, with recommended books and how-tos. But most of it is still too advanced for Jiale (and me!), so I shall do a very brief review based on what I gathered.

The main insight I gained from this book was to read, read, read. The author, who homeschooled her three children, advocates exposing the child to many genres of books and for him to read a lot. The classical method also seems to include a lot of memorising, because 'memorising, organization and expression... the tools by which the mind learns.' But urmm, Jiale is only 2+ and I definitely won't worry about memorising anything for now. (But yes, the tiger mum in me has no qualms about making him memorize. 'Tiger' not because I die die want him to get good results. 'Tiger' as in if mummy says so, you better do it. No idea yet whether I will think it's necessary to make him memorize things. See how.)

So, as part of the homelearning I do with Jiale, books is the main focus. No worksheets, no activity sheets etc. It's books + field trips + hands-on stuff. (shall blog on that when I am free)

Anyway, this is quite a good book especially if you intend to do proper all-out homeschooling with your child. I gotta keep this book cos, who knows, I might end up homeschooling the boys even for primary school!

Book: Your Child's Strengths

Got this on another mummy's recommendation. See here for details.

OK, this is a not bad book. The thing is, I feel it's not that necessary for me because I already fully agree with the main gist of the book, i.e. to focus on the child's strengths. In fact, as part of my Masters in Social Work, I did a presentation to my colleagues on the Strengths Perspective, together with a fellow colleague cum coursemate. The Strengths Perspective is about actively looking out for the clients' strengths and reframing the situation in positive terms. For example, a student who often gets into trouble for being defiant, could be reframed as having his own mind and willing to speak up. Then, the follow up action would be to help him to do this in appropriate ways and to create/look out for opportunities for him to build on his strengths. Instead of just scolding him and punishing him!

Anyway I like the Strengths Perspective very much, and I feel it is very important especially for the clientele I was working with - teenagers who had commited offences and were placed on probation by the Court.

OK, back to children. This book is divided into 3 parts - Part 1 describes the ideas & practices that contribute to children's feelings of weakness. Part 2 explains what strengths are and how and why families and schools should help children develop theirs. Part 3 offers a variety of workbook exercises that parents, teachers, or children can use to discover and develop their strengths. A Strengths Inventory is included in the appendix, a questionnaire that children can take to help them identify what their strengths are.

Why I don't need this book: I believe that since I already have this mindset, it should be easier for me to just try to apply it in our daily interactions, instead of trying to follow what the book teaches. And I am definitely too lazy to do worksheets/inventory!! I would recommend it to parents who might feel you are having some difficulties in seeing the positives in your child(ren) or realise that you seem to be often focusing on the negatives and neglecting the positives.

Book: You are Your Child's First Teacher

Bought this book (mine is the 2006 edition) as I am interested in Waldorf early childhood education, but could not find any related books in the library. Basically, it's rather too chim for me, as it talks about spirituality, 'energy', 'inner life', etc. Thus I think I shall just stick to reading Janet Lansbury's blog on RIE.

Am I Overprotective?

I had always thought I was a very not protective parent. I never minded the boys falling down, getting a few scrapes or bruises here and there.

But a few months ago, I did something very protective. I stopped bringing Jiale to playdates if a certain other girl (same age as him) would be present.

Was it because she bit him very hard a couple of times before?

No.

Was it because she kept telling him 'no this, no that', even when he was not playing with her or touching her things or doing anything to/with her?

No. (Though I was not happy about it.)


The last straw. When discussing with the girl's mummy why the girl seemed to dislike Jiale so much, she said that it could be because when they were younger (about one year old), Jiale pushed her quite often as he walked earlier than her and was more stable on his feet, so the girl remembered what happened and thus still disliked him ONE YEAR LATER.


A one-year-old baby can remember things and nurse a grudge for so long? That's scary.


Actually I have no recollection of Jiale pushing the girl on a frequent basis. But whether he did or did not.... Even if he did.... they were one year old!!


There is no way to know what the little girl was thinking or why she disliked Jiale or even whether she really did dislike him or whatever. I just know that I did not like it when my son was accused of being the cause of another person's negative behavior. And I absolutely CANNOT STAND IT that it was about an innocent one-year-old remembering another innocent one-year-old's actions one year on. BLEH.


It was too stressful too. So if he hit the girl again when they were two years old, would it be raised as the reason for whatever might happen one year later? Then everytime the two young kids quarreled/disagreed/fought (which I think is quite common among young children), I would be VERY SCARED.


So I decided to run away fast.


It has been three months since then. Very often I wonder whether I did the right thing. So what if it's stressful for me, perhaps it would be better for Jiale to take a few hard knocks and learn the reality of the not-always-friendly world out there? I might be able to 'censor' whom he associates with now, but it will be quite impossible as he grows up. Maybe I should have just REN and still let Jiale spend time with his friends whom he has known since babyhood? After all, the kids don't bear grudges (or at least, that's what I thought think). Was I overprotective?

Amidst all these thoughts, actually I still think I did the right thing. I believe children should not spend too much time in an environment with negative vibes (i.e. a peer telling him 'no' for everything, and an adult who saw him as the root cause for the problem, and a mummy being stressed & scared everytime he went near the girl).

What's worse is that I still have a phobia about this now. Whenver I observe Jiale with new playmates, I feel stressed, wondering whether it will go down the same route. (The old me would just have thought children were like that, they fight, they make up, they forget, they play.) While I am organising playdates or tagging along for other mummies' playdates, I am also in a dilemma whether I should subject Jiale to all that. Or should I just let him play alone/with Didi at home? Since we have no lack of toys at home and I am so outgoing and bring him out so often anyway.. No need to play with other kids until he (and his peers) is older?

我不知道