Time Out, Again

It has been more than a month since my last post on time out. How has it been working for the past few weeks?

I think it is working very well indeed! For example, Jiale was given time out a few times yesterday, for hitting & kicking Didi and me. (Yes, he still does that sometimes, but the effectiveness of time out in eliminating undesirable behaviors is another discussion.)

He kicks Didi, because Didi takes his toy. (and yes, Didi can be very naughty too)

Mummy asks him to go to his room for time out. Before closing the door, I tell him, "Mummy said cannot kick Didi. So you have to go to time out. You can come out only when I say so."

He might or might not be crying at this point. But 99% of the time, he stops once I close the door. All quiet inside.

After 2-3 minutes (the standard is 2 minutes since he is 2 years old. I add one minute if he refuses to go in by himself), I call out, "OK you can come out now."

He opens the door and comes out, usually smiley and friendly : )
(At the beginning, he was usually not smiling though he was not unfriendly or grouchy either... more of just apprehensive 'what is mummy going to do when I come out..?' But I guess now he knows I won't scold him after time out.)

Mummy does not have a chance to lose temper or to scold him things which I would probably regret afterwards, and the two minutes is sufficient for me to calm down too. When he comes out, I welcome him with a smile and open arms. (The book says not supposed to mention the naughty thing he did after he has served the time out, so I don't.)

Most importantly, he does not try to take back his toy from Didi! Usually he goes to Didi with the same toy (or another toy if Didi is still playing with the original toy) and gives it to Didi with a hug! So I guess he sorts out his thoughts while alone in the room : )

We carry on with whatever we are doing, instead of wasting time scolding/nagging/sulking, and harmony is restored. Less negative vibes too : )

OK, the boys are still napping. So, about the effectiveness of time out to stop undesirable behaviors for good - I believe this will take a longer time, and at Jiale's age I do not expect him to be perfect or angelic. Slowly, slowly : ) For now, I am happy enough that I have a solution which reduces the amount of scolding & nagging I do.

Time Out Part 2

Left out some points in the previous post.

From what I gathered from books and online sources, the time out venue is supposed where he can see you and you can see him, and of course, safe. Also not supposed to use bedroom cos bedroom is supposed to be associated with only happy memories :P Well, I'm using his bedroom and I intend to continue doing so. This time out memories can't be worse than CIO memories.. and he has been happily sleeping in that room for the past 2 years (since CIO)!

Things which I use time out for: hitting/kicking/pushing/throwing things at mummy, daddy & Didi, and doing a very high-pitched scream (AAAAAAAAAHHHHH..!!!). Only these, never used it for unreasonable tantrums (usually due to frustration when he couldn't complete a task on his own or just for no apparent reason). Yet, such unreasonable tantrums seem to have vanished!

Children are happiest when the parents are in control : )

Time Out

Noticed I have been complaining less on fb this past week? It's because of this miraculous thing called time out! I have never read much about it cos I never thought it would really work.. not for Jiale anyway, or at least, or till he's much older. But last Thursday, I was really driven to desperation. Not that he did anything especially unbearable, it was just one of his usual tantrums. But I really do not wish to lose my temper toward him anymore.. I'm sure a tantrum from mummy in response to his tantrum will not solve any problems, to say the least. I was desperate because holding it all in was killing me! Being nice & patient was killing me! Almost had massive internal bleeding oredi lor.

So, I just decided to give him a time out, there and then. No time to read or research or ask around. Just Did It. Told him 'cannot _ _ _', carried him to his room, and I locked the door. Opened the door after 2 minutes (read that it's supposed to be 1 minute for each year of age. Very luckily, it's one of the few things I did remember about time outs!) When I went in, he was sitting on his bed and he had calmed down quite a lot. He asked for 'bao bao' and of course I gave him a big hug immediately. Reminded him that I love him no matter how naughty he is, and also reminded him he cannot _ _ _.

Ok Ok, I know not supposed to lock him in... but I didn't know this till I read up that night! AFTER I did it. I am not proud of it.. but since this blog is to share my experiences.. no point writing half-truths just to look good :P

Did it a couple more times that day. The next day, I think, only once. None over the weekend. (He did hit/try to hit daddy a few times, but I did not want to be the one sending him to time out when I did not see him hitting and thus was unable to follow up immediately. I did not encourage daddy to send him to time out either as I felt that we were new to this, and I would like him to observe how I do it first before he does it, so that we would be consistent.) These two days, only once (for hitting Didi), but I can't recall whether it was Monday or yesterday.

The main point is, the number of tantrums has decreased significantly! He seems much more responsive to warnings and reminders. For example, previously when I saw Jiale and Didi both playing with the same toy at the same time, I would watch them closely and step in once the situation seemed to be getting 'unfriendly'. The first step of 'stepping in' usually was to remind Jiale 'cannot hit Didi'. But often, he would go ahead and hit anyway. Now, he would curb himself!

(I decided to continue to lock his door, rationalization being that CIO was much tougher than this - only 2 minutes! And don't change what works :P)

Wow it sure feels GREAT to be able to take some action when dealing with 'situations'. Before I started time outs, there was basically nothing much I could do.... I don't want to use corporal punishment.. I don't want to shout at him... I think reasoning with him is a waste of my time.. (even if understand, I doubt he will be in the mood to listen or CARE. Cos it's no different from nagging.)

I think he knows it too. While mummy couldn't do anything then, mummy CAN and WILL do it now! Ha ha! Though it's only for 2 minutes, it probably feels like an eternity to him.. furthermore he's used to being around me almost all the time.

This brings me back to his daily routine, especially how I am very strict with him with regards to his napping & bedtime, from his CIO sleep training, to transiting to a bed from cot, etc. He knows mummy will never let him not nap or allow him to stay up later no matter what he does (cry, walks out of room a million times, asks for water or this or that). Thus he can relax and trust and leave it to mummy. I believe all children like to test boundaries and can be very stubborn, and that they are happier with firm & clear rules & boundaries. So mummy has to be more stubborn. Luckily, being stubborn is not a problem for me, haha :P