More Good Reasons to Have the 3rd Kid ASAP

[my previous post on this topic]

Just thought of this today - you know all that talk going on about Singapore's replacement rate.. or rather, non-replacement? It's pretty much on a macro level, i.e. fewer young Singaporeans to support the older generation a couple of decades down the road. That is surely a concern, but unfortunately, not something that I personally can do much about.

BUT I can do something on the micro level! Yes my children will have to pay more taxes like all the other Singaporeans of their generation in order to support people of my generation. Bo bian, no complaints. But at least there will be 3 (or more) of them to share the 'burden' of caring for hubby and me!

If the age gap is big, there might also be additional burden of having to take care of the youngest sibling. My sister is 9 years younger than me, and before she graduated this year, I often thought about having to support her financially before she completed her studies, should anything untowards happen to my parents. I would be very willing to take care of her, but it's definitely something that weighed on my mind, even when I was considering to resign from my job and become income-less. 

Money is just one aspect. Having only one child to care for the aged parents in future, can be justified by the (huge) amounts of savings now, as additional children will of course increase the parents' current expenditure. But what about, for example, taking leave to accompany the parent for medical appointments/physiotherapy/checkups etc? Or when there is no problem, just a routine weekend visit... If the one child is not free to visit, will he/she feel more pressure about neglecting the poor, lonely parents? Hmm, I for one definitely feel like skipping visits to my parents or my in-laws occasionally, and I do not feel much guilt because I know they still have their other children visiting them. Urmm, do you also feel like skipping visits to your in-laws at times? Do you feel guilty if your spouse is an only child? :p

The other reason I can think of for now, is a very important one to me, because of our circumstances, i.e. homeschooling at least for the preschool years. Frankly speaking, I am getting very little done with Jiale now, and I am very lazy. It is impossible to do much with him while Didi is awake, cos Didi is a destroyer and recently, started to be very unreasonable. (At the moment, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pitch black.) Although by right, I should have quite a lot of time (at least 1-2 hours) to do learning stuff with Jiale after Didi goes for his nap since Didi usually takes quite long naps. But I have two major problems:

Firstly, if I don't send Jiale in to bed at the same time, he might wake Didi up with his whining when I do send him in. If Didi has already napped 1-2 hours then, he might not return to sleep after being awakened. Urmm, the alternative is sending Jiale to nap after Didi wakes up naturally, but there are 3 sub-problems to this: It will be very late by the time Jiale wakes up (Didi naps from 1pm to 3.30pm, Jiale naps from 3.30pm to 5pm) and we can't have any outings. It is more difficult for Jiale to fall asleep when he knows Didi is playing outside, and Didi loves to go and disturb look for him. Most importantly, it means I won't get any sans-kids break at all the whole day! I will die! A dead mummy ain't gonna do no homeschooling.

Secondly, by the time I send Didi in to nap, I am usually exhausted. Thus it is very tempting for me to take advantage of Jiale's superior ability to play independently for very long.. while I just stone. I have definitely given in to this temptation many many times : /

Luckily, I am a believer of play play play for young children. Discussed this with hubby before, and we agree that there is definitely no need to worry or stress the kids before they are at least 5 years old, or maybe even 7 years old. If our plans go well, Jiale will be about 4 years old when the 3rd baby arrives. Thus, when the baby reaches the age of reasonableness of 2 years (and hopefully, independent play, going by Jiale's standards), Jiale will be at most 6 years old. And I can start proper seatwork kind of homeschooling with him then! (this is the latest, worst estimate la. Hopefully I can solve my laziness problem earlier.) So, no need to worry for now! : )

Project this a few more years down the road - when Jiale is taking his PSLE, the youngest will be already about 8 years old. I can focus on helping him with exam preparations, no need to take care of small baby! :p

Benign Neglect

Often I get quite defensive when other people, especially Hubby, comment negatively about the boys. But when he said I had not been 'grooming' Didi, I had to agree... Grooming in the sense of teaching him, playing with him, or even talking to him. It's a vast contrast compared to when Jiale was young.. I seldom even did any housework when Jiale was awake, preferring to spend all my time playing with him. Now, I am often cooking or cleaning up messes or playing with Jiale while Didi plays by himself. Even for my afternoon 'free' time, it starts as soon as Jiale goes into his room for his nap, i.e. sometimes Didi is still awake & playing. And instead of spending one-to-one time with him, I choose to eat my lunch first and then start to use the computer.. while Didi is still playing by himself!

This is really very terrible. If I were only neglecting Didi when Jiale was around, I might still be able to justify it (to myself). I am ashamed to say that I look forward to my me-time, usually 1.5 to 2 hours, and I can't bear to give it up.. not even part of it.. not even for Didi...

Saw this term 'benign neglect' in the book I am reading now - 'You are Your Child's First Teacher' by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. The author is a Steiner/Waldorf early childhood educator, and I got the book as I am interested in learning more about Waldorf (sorta similar to RIE).

'But the 'benign neglect' and the interaction with siblings that a younger child receives are beneficial compared to the over-indulgence and propulsion into adult activity that first and only children tend to receive. As parents, we need always to keep our toddlers in our psychic awareness, but we don't always need to be interacting with them. Raising a child who can play alone, who is self-motivating and not always needing adult input is a real blessing.'

Haha, this did make me feel less guilty! (See, I told you people tended to read things that further supported whatever they already believed :P)

OK, but seriously, I know I gotta spend more time with Didi lah. Shall ponder on it. But at the same time, Didi benefits so much from being a second child, that I really wonder what on earth is wrong with being the second child..! See huh, he gets to do so much sensory play.. which Kor Kor hardly got to do at all at the same age! Secondly, Didi has a good routine going - proper naps, outdoor play almost daily (other than these two weeks of mummy being extremely unmotivated) - no pressure to walk/perform any other physical stunt, never being forced to eat, no tantrums from mummy.. all because Kor Kor has been the guinea pig for mummy's learning!

Jiale used to have bouts of 'dieting' when he hardly ate anything at all, and I felt quite worried even though the books say it is normal. Now, I see that he still grew well despite his 'dieting', so I am never worried when Didi refuses to eat. And while I used to lose my temper at Jiale when he was naughty, I am much more patient with Didi, having been well-trained by Jiale - tantrums don't work on babies! Guilt from all the wrong things I did with/toward Jiale (such as spanking) also motivates me to change and improve my parenting methods towards Didi.

But hor, there are some not-so-good things which I do not feel any guilt about.. such as bringing Didi shopping while he just sits in his stroller (when Jiale is in school).. Used to feel mightily guilty about bringing Jiale around for my errands, but not this time.. Because I know that very soon, Didi will not quietly sit there anymore! So I shall make hay while the sun shines! 

Personal Space for Children

I have come to realise that Jiale needs his personal space from Didi. It's not realistic to expect him to share all his things and always play together with Didi. This is especially so since Didi is still at the destructive age and does not know how to be gentle with 'fragile' items, such as Jiale's 3D foam letters and the trains which he spends much effort to line up soooo precisely. Not to mention that Didi does not understand &/or does not care what is 'NO!!'

Thus the playyard has come in handy again. Other than cordoning off the sofa & coffee table so that Didi cannot climb on them, the area has also become Jiale's space away from Didi. Jiale can easily climb over the playyard, while Didi can only look on.

Other than this small area in the living room, I also tell Jiale that if he does not want Didi to touch his things or to disturb him, he should go into his bedroom and close the door. So far, this arrangment has been working quite well. But as you can see, Didi has started his attempts to climb over the playyard, probably because he sees Kor Kor do it so often. Hopefully, by the time he manages to climb over, he will be able to understand the idea of 'personal space' without needing a physical barrier.

Other than me, the other person with whom the boys spend the most time would be each other. Notwithstanding that Jiale only goes to school for one morning a week, I believe that the time spent in school or at other caregivers' place cannot really be counted as personal space, as the child would not be in his own home. And even though Jiale gets a break from Didi when Didi is having his morning nap, I would consider that more to be personal time, rather than personal space. My idea of personal space is a place where the child can retreat to anytime, depending on his mood & preferences.

That said, it does not mean that the brothers don't get along. Often, I walk past the living room to see them on different sides of the playyard, and the next time I walk past, both boys would be playing together somewhere. It makes me feel good to know that Jiale made the choice to be with his brother : )

Coping with New Baby

Recently read this post about how a mummy coped (urmm, or rather, was unable to cope) with her 2-year-old when the newborn arrived.
http://mommyofamonster.com/2012/04/mommy-moment-melissa-style.html

I think I can safely say I did not have any such moments with Jiale. How I dealt with having a new baby:

1) Perhaps because Jiale was only 18 months old when he was promoted to a big brother, he might not have understood what was going on. I think that as a child gets older, he might seem to understand, he thinks he understands, but actually he's understanding wrongly. E.g. he KNOWS mei mei or di di has replaced him, he is SURE that the parents love the new baby more.. etc etc.. but he's actually wrong! haha. In my opinion, a child can only truly understand when he is around 12 years old.. and even then, it takes a lot of careful management on the parents' part.

2) I always gave priority to Jiale. I believe this is only fair. After all he had been my only child for 18 months prior to Didi's arrival. I don't expect him to be sooooo understanding and 心甘情愿 wait for mummy to attend to Didi first. If someone else could handle (e.g. Didi had a dirty diaper), I would 'outsource' Didi's problem and tend to Jiale instead, even if it was just to play with him. I believe it's for the good of everyone, including Didi, for Jiale to be very assured of his position in mummy's heart.
(But I no longer do so. Gradually started to make Jiale wait as he got used to having Didi around. Now is about 50-50.)

3) I often tell Jiale that I love him and he is my Number One. Yes, in front of Didi too. I tell Didi frankly that he is my Number Two. And that he is Kor Kor's Number One. One more person to take care of him and dote on him, so it's fair that he gets a little less love from mummy. But only a little bit ok. I don't really believe one can love all the children equally la. After all, I spent 18 more months with Jiale! Perhaps because I am the firstborn child, I am very ok with this :P

Having said all these, if/when I have my 3rd child, I am going to outsource all three kids!! Cos I won't be getting any proper rest for dunno how long after that!!