Bored To Death

I know I know, busy also wanna complain, now too free also wanna complain! Forgive me, let me vent on my blog please.

Without the burden/task/responsibility of reading parenting books nowadays, I really have a lot of free time on my hands. This has got 'worse' since I moved the boys into the same bedroom last week. Previous routine: Didi went for his nap at 1pm, fell asleep shortly after, and woke up about two hours later. Jiale went in for nap around 2pm, took up to two hours to fall asleep, and woke up about two hours later. This meant that I only had about 1-2 hours when I was really free, when both boys were asleep. When one or both of the boys were awake, I would not read books or use the laptop anymore.

Current routine: Both boys go into the room around 1pm. They play and toss & turn for very long. (It has been 2 hours 20 min for today, and at least one of them is still awake from what I see on the video monitor.) Then it will be another 1.5 hours minimum before they wake up (unless there's loud thunderstorm or I am very suay la). That means I am free and alone from 1pm until around 5.30pm!! The whole afternoon I ZUO BO!

I told myself to limit to one blog post a day, so that I wouldn't spend too much time on the laptop and end up too tired to play with the boys. But now, my problem is too BORED instead of too TIRED. Since I don't have books to read at night and hubby usually uses the laptop to play games when he is home, I have nothing to do at night. Now we have all the HK drama and English movie channels but I am not the type to get hooked on TV or games easily. So I usually end up sleeping early at night (before 11pm). So I don't even dare to (and truthfully, don't really need to) take naps in the daytime in case I can't fall asleep at night.

[By this point, I guess many people, especially working mothers, wanna beat me up liao. I feel you ok. Once upon a time I also felt so busy and tired that I wondered how on earth people found time and energy to do xyz. Now I am so free that I wonder what on earth people are so busy with.]

So how have I been occupying myself? Everyday I think about what self-care treatments I can do during bathtimes. Have been doing body scrubs and oil cleansing at least every alternate day, some facial pampering like exfoliation/masks on alternate days, slathering on body oil & moisturiser and massaging into the drier areas like knees after the shower, etc.. Even during my (long) afternoon breaks, I apply oil on my hands & feet (while wearing gloves & thick socks), eat some fruits.. just to pass time.. Not that I am obssessed over skincare now.. it's that I am really too bored.. Of course I can do constructive things like polish the floors or spring-clean every corner of my house, but I don't want to tax myself physically either. This is not called lazy hor, it's called motherly protecting of my baby :p

I suddenly realised that perhaps it's not totally because I stopped poring over parenting books. Maybe the boys are just older and more independent now, plus they have each other for company, and thus I am more relaxed? And of course reaping the rewards of the sleep training! See, this is the reason why I want to have my children close in age.. suffer like crazy first then can quickly enjoy! (as opposed to spreading out the suffering over a longer period. In the end, it still adds up to the same amount of suffering la. No escaping. Might as well get it over.) Didn't get to enjoy any break previously as the age gap was only 18 months. Now I get to enjoy a few months of relative leisure as the third child is almost two years younger than the second. The madness will resume by April (EDD is 2 April), but I can look forward to a prolonged break when Baby is 18 months old! : )

Fifty Shades of Grey

Have you heard of this book? It's one of the books which I have enjoyed since my liberation. (and the Twilight trilogy too!)

According to Wikipedia,

Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British author E. L. James. Set largely in Seattle,  it is the first instalment in a trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM).
The second and third volumes are titled Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, respectively. Fifty Shades of Grey has topped best-seller lists around the world, including the United Kingdom and the United States. The series has sold over 60 million copies worldwide, with book rights having been sold in 37 countries, and set the record as the fastest-selling paperback of all time, surpassing the Harry Potter series. Critical reception of the novel has been mixed.

While I am not adverse to the parts about sex or BDSM, they are definitely not the main reason why I like the book so much. I like the book because it is really very well written! To me, it is just a romance story.. and when I finished the first book, I immediately wanted to read the second book! Yep, I have already finished all three books : ) A very simple summary - the first book is a sad romance, the second a happy romance, and the third! A good mix of mystery, romance, thriller! The author is good. I am impressed that these are her first books. I shall be waiting eagerly for her new book - whether it is a similar theme or something very different, I am confident that she will not disappoint! 

Why I Re-installed My FB App

Gosh my last post was on 6 Sep! Actually that's more recent than I thought.. seems like a looooooong time since I came here at all.

I have re-installed my Facebook app on my iPhone because I have decluttered my FB! Yay! I un-friended everyone who is not an ex-classmate or ex-colleague or neighbor or family etc, i.e. everyone whom I do not really know in real life. Granted, I had been chatting with some of these 'un-real friends' far more than with most of these ex-colleagues or ex-classmates, but I decided that it was more meaningful to stay in touch with 'real people'.

One of my main motivations was wanting to cut down on the time I spent on FB so that I could spend more quality time with my children. I tried limiting my usage but I failed to do so.. too often sneaking peeks at my phone when I should be concentrating on the boys instead. And everytime I did so, I was 'rewarded' with many new posts and notifications and comments etc... Talk about positive reinforcement! Of course I had the choice to not read them till I was free.. but it was so difficult to resist...

By drastically reducing my Friends, I can still post as often as I like, but there are now fewer comments. And each time I check FB, there are hardly any new posts. Thus I spend less time on FB, even if I still check as frequently as before. At the same time, because of less 'reinforcement', it has become natural for me to check less often nowadays. Goal achieved!

Not that I don't like my friends to comment on my posts, it's just more meaningful when it's my real friends commenting! There are of course disadvantages too - most of the people I unfriended were mummy-friends whom I got to 'know' in mummy forums etc, many of whom are more experienced parents than I am, so I no longer get to see the interesting activities they do with their kids, or their valuable mummy insights etc. Hmm, but gain some, lose some la.

There was in fact a trigger which prompted me to take this 'drastic' action. One fine day, I was chatting in a FB group when I felt I was being personally attacked. Well, the other mummy wrote my name in her post lor, so it wasn't my illusion. I felt so sick and tired of chatting with such people. Why was I wasting my time & energy hanging around such people? At that time, I just wanted to get her (and some others) out of my life. If she wanted to stick to her old ways of doing things, I wouldn't be the one suffering. Not my problem, not my business, don't even wanna waste time/energy reading whatever she wanted to say. BLAH. Get lost lor.

Anyway, two months down the road, I am definitely happier. Less time spent on FB, more quality time with my precious babies, less time on the computer in general, more napping time. Oh ya, since frequent FB checks is no longer an issue, it is much more convenient to use the app :p

A Sad Thing

There is a blog which I have been following for more than two years (no, it's not someone I actually know, so don't worry you all), the child is about 15 months older than Jiale, and I liked the way the parents were teaching/interacting with their child. In fact, I bought many of the parenting and children books I now have because the parents were using them with their child.

The mother was a sahm initially, and when she went back to work, the child was placed in childcare. But this post is not about sahm vs ftwm or the pros & cons of childcare.

The boy is four years old now. The parents wrote on their blog that they signed him up for extra enrichment lessons (conducted in the same childcare centre) on three of the days because otherwise he would be left to read or do quiet activities on his own after the main curriculum ended around 5pm.

They signed him up for two weekend classes, one for each day, because he was no longer willing to read with them or do learning activities like workbooks. Instead he would rather play with his trains or watch train videos on iPad.

No doubt the boy was learning something from these enrichment classes (the parents blogged about them too). And having read their blog for more than two years, I don't doubt the parents' starting point was for the good of the child. Neither do I have any intention of criticising their parenting methods... Just that when I read the blog, I felt sad for the boy.... So sad that it has been one whole day and I am still feeling affected.. hence this post...

Because the word 'burnout' screamed at me as I was reading their post. I am no couch psychologist and definitely don't claim to be able to 'diagnose' any problem just from reading a blog. It just saddens me to think that a four-year-old might be possibly suffering burnout...... I considered leaving a comment on their blog, but decided against it, as I do not like unsolicited advice (especially about parenting) and I do not wish to impose my unsolicited views on others. (It's different if you read my blog cos you are a voluntary victim ok :P)

So I am writing about it here as a reminder to myself and to all my voluntary victims. After all, what can we use to 'diagnose' burnout in a young child if not for such little warning signs? The boy might not be burnt out or unhappy at all, but if I see similar signs in my sons, I will most definitely worry they are burnt out.

Downtime is important, whether at home or in school/childcare, especially when the child is there from morning to evening. Time for the child to do nothing. 'Nothing' is a very important item I strive for daily in my boys' routines. When I see Jiale playing with his trains on the floor, I know he's deeply engrossed in pretend play and actively working his imagination. When I see Jiale 'stoning', I know he's letting his mind wander and be free or he's thinking hard about something or he's just resting - all are good.

My parenting philosophies and goals have changed quite a lot over the past 2+ years, because of the books I have read and what I observed in my sons. I do not claim to be an expert, I freely profess what I write here is based on my own opinions and inclinations/preferences/bias. I share what I do/think/know not because I am helpful or 伟大 or what. I am not trying to 'help' the parents at all. It's the children whom my heart aches for... yes, that tiny person....